If you just started playing Texas Holdem online, and just continue to lose hand after hand, and tournament after tournament, that is fine by me. But if you don’t want to keep giving me all your money, you better learn something fast!

The first thing that you need to wrap your head around that might seem confusing at first is your position at the table, and how it affects how you should play. If you’ve been making your plays based solely on your draw, then it’s no wonder you lose all the time, you shmuck!

So let’s go over positions, using PKR’s awesome 3D interface. If you are new to real poker tables, this should help you too. PKR is my favorite place to play, just because it has the most interesting look for a real money poker game. It’s also great fun to use the animation and voices to put players on tilt when you win their money :) (use deposit code JERK1000 if you deposit at least $1000, to get a 100% bonus on that, or use JERK100 to get a good 100% on up to $600).

So this is what a table looks like. Me, and 9 losers ready to lose all their money to me. I am sitting out here, so I can take screenshots.

To make things simple, I named that geek who keeps checking his hole cards Loser 1, since he is on the button. He and the two losers to his right have late positions. He has the latest position, which means he is the last one to decide if he wants to take action. The guy on his right has what’s known as the cut-off position.

The two “girls” (yeah right) in this screenshot are the blinds. Those two, along with Loser 4, have the early positions. This means that they are the first ones to take action at the beginning of a round. This is a major disadvantage, because they have no idea of the players who act after them are going to call, raise, or fold.

Here’s a good example; let’s say Loser 4 above has Q♥ 10♠ . Automatic call, right? Not so fast. There is a high chance that at least one of the other players will have a better hand. And even if nobody does, seven of them will have position on him in the later rounds.

Now let’s say that Loser 9 has that same hand, and everyone folds before him. That means that there are only three players left who may have a dominating hand. In this case, he will probably want to raise, so Loser 1 (the only player who acts after him) folds. If they call, he still has great position in the next betting rounds.

That is why, if you are in the early position (either one of the Blinds, or Under The Gun) then you should be playing fewer hands overall. As a new player, you must keep your position in mind at all times. This is the one thing that new Texas Holdem players can learn that will significantly improve their play.

Finally, we have the middle positions. Middle position players have some of the same disadvantages of the early positions – they can see what the early position players do, but still have to keep in mind the late position players. Generally, they can open raise with a few more hands than earlier players, because there is less of a chance of someone in the later positions having a better hand.

Here’s another screenshot, to make things simple for you. I have a feeling that’s the only way you’re ever going to learn anything. Remember: Purple have the Late Positions, Orange have the Early Positions, and Blue have the Middle Positions. I should note now that late position before the cut-off (Loser 8 in this picture) can sometimes be considered a middle position, depending on how aggressive and loose the next two players are. Same goes for Loser 7 – that can sometimes work like a late position seat.

By now, I hope you have a basic understanding of positions. That basic info should help you at least with your pre-flop plays. I have taken much money from losers like you in the Small Blind, thinking that posting half a blind is worth it for your J♥ 3♠ and other similar cards.

It gets much more complicated after the flop though, as positional advantage can change from round to round. Let’s say there are three players left after the Flop, and you are the first person to act on the Turn. You have a mediocre hand, so you check. The next player bets, and the third guy calls. This means that you now have good position, and knowledge about the other players as there can’t be a raise after your call. At least, it’s better than the third player’s position, who must act without knowing what the fourth player (or you, when the action comes back) will do. Of course, you’ll end up being the first to act again on the next round, but you can play the same way, with a better idea of where everyone is at.

Also keep in mind that position is always relative to the other players. For instance, if you raised Under The Gun and everyone except the Big Blind folded, you are now in last position after the Flop. You would now have the same positional advantage as though you were on the Button. If you raised in Middle Position, and two players in late position called your raise while everyone else folded, you would suddenly find yourself in early position, with everyone else getting to act after you in the coming rounds.

That’s it for now. In my next strategy article, I am going to go into more advanced strategies which you can use with positional advantage in mind. Be sure to sign up to my RSS feed, or subscribe to my newsletter (to the right of this page) to stay up to date! It’ll surely be the smartest thing you do all day.

But which deals are the best? It ranges a LOT. Let me say now that in the case of deposit bonuses, bigger is NOT always better (sorry loser, size still counts in other departments).

Naturally, you can’t just deposit your money and get access to the bonus right away. No, you have to earn your bonus back, by playing in real money games and participating in tournaments. This is usually done by points – as you play, you will see your points accumulate. The points are what allow you to get your bonus money.

The problem is, the method used to calculate points varies by an absurd degree from room to room. Some rooms count points purely based on dollars raked. Some count based on how many hands you play, etc. The payout methods vary too; sometimes you will be able to claim a little bit of your bonus money at a time, sometimes you will have to earn all of your money within a certain time, or lose it all. That brings me to expiration dates – yup, you will only have a certain amount of time to earn your bonus, or you may not get a single cent back.

The problem with all these terms is that they are not always clearly defined on the websites. Some sites do a great job of explaining things, while others don’t tell you much at all. Then when you contact their support, some sites will give you an unclear answer (or no answer at all) while others will be there to help you right away.

So because you’re a lazy ass, and probably just went for the one with the biggest dollar amount, I decided to research several of the bigger poker rooms, and compare their bonus payout terms to each other. When you see the chart, you will realize how ridiculous it is…

Confusing enough for you? This took me days to put together. You better appreciate the effort, loser!

The ones that stand out to me are Cake Poker, for its simple point calculations and $10 increments. Also, when you deposit with a fill bonus, your time limit gets reset, giving you ample time to earn all your bonus back. This makes Cake Poker a great room for American big money players, even though they match “only” up to $500.

Ultimate Bet has no time limit, so you could potentially deposit quite a bit of money there, and earn it all back just by playing tournaments if you want. Speaking of tournaments, check out PKR’s rate when you use the JERK300 code! Based on the amount of points you get for joining a tournament, your fee is reduced by 57%! Tourney and SNG players should take note of that.

One interesting thing to note is some rooms won’t credit you with points unless you actually contribute money into the pot. If you fold pre-flop at Cake Poker, you will still get credit for at least being there. Do the same at some of the others, and you will not get any credit. PKR is intriguing, because they will give you more points the more you bet. This is something to keep in mind for the aggressive players.

Of course, none of this matters if you don’t know how long it takes to win your money back.

Now all this information is intriguing to you, I’m sure. But when it comes to comparing how good the bonus payback rates are, it’s essentially useless. I mean, how can you compare one room with points that are worth $0.06 each to one that is worth $0.008 each? That’s why I put together the table below.

This table takes a look at NL games played at various stakes levels, and will tell you how much of your bonus you will earn after 20 hands. Pot levels vary by a lot, but I just chose some arbitrary amounts. Anyway, all the rooms are on equal ground here, that’s all that matters. The actual dollar amounts shown are for comparison purposes only. For the record, the majority of online poker games have pots that are under $10.

After looking at this, you should finally have a rough idea on which rooms will pay you your bonus faster (which is important, because some only give you 30 days!). If you play a lot of very low-limit games, then Party Poker is a good room to consider (their normal bonus is 30% up to $150, but if you sign up through me, you will get 100% up to $500). Party Poker is not welcoming US players, so you guys will probably want to try Cake Poker or Absolute Poker (I would go with Cake Poker, due to their better time limit and support – Absolute still hasn’t answered my question about bonus time limit, even after repeated attempts).

If you like to play in shorthanded games with 6 players or less, then I suggest playing at PKR. Since your points are based on a percentage of your contribution to a pot, your points will accumulate pretty fast when there are fewer players.

As far as middle stakes go, Party Poker is again a good choice, although again, no US players allowed there. Americans will want to try Cake Poker or Full Tilt Poker. Poker Stars looks tempting, but they only match up to 50%.

When it comes to uber high stakes poker, Cake Poker is once again a great choice. As I mentioned above. Other rooms limit your points to $3 rakes, but Cake will give you credit for points on all their rakes, even their $5 ones (a “bigger piece of the cake” as they say). Also, you do not need to bet to earn points, so they will rack up really fast in these games. Ultimate Bet is another good choice for high stakes US players, as they will match 111% up to $1000 and have no time limit.

That’s it losers, all the info is there for you to go over. If you can’t figure out the best rooms to earn your bonus in by now, there is no helping you.

This article took many hours to research and compile. I hope you will be kind enough to visit these rooms through my links if you decide to play at one of these rooms (in some cases, you will need to sign up under me to receive these particular bonuses). Don’t be a jerk! Share the wealth!

Also, if you found this article to be interesting, be sure to subscribe to my RSS feed, or sign up to my newsletter on the right.

Oh one more thing, please Digg this page if you think a lot of people will find this interesting! Cheers, loser!

Disclaimer: This information is accurate to the best of my knowledge. However, I can not be held responsible for any mistakes. Always check with the poker rooms terms and services, and contact them to be 100% sure of the details of their bonus programs. Also, terms can change at any time, without given notice.

However, in the case of Cardspike, I have to let you guys know that there is some shady shit going on. It was first brought up in various poker affiliate forums that I participate in, and some blogs have mentioned it too. basically it goes like this: If you are an affiliate or a player on a rakeback deal with Cardspike, you are not going to get any money.

Normally, you probably couldn’t give a damn whether we filthy greedy affiliates make money or not. But think about it, loser: if we aren’t getting paid, what makes you think you’ll get paid in a timely manner? Right now they are buying themselves some time by saying “wait 8 weeks for your check to be sent” to players, but who knows if they’ll be around by then?

Cardspike is affiliated with Cake Network, so chances are, it will be taken care of in some way. How long it will take, and how much money we lose, and whether they will even exist after that, who knows?

My advice is to just forget about Cardspike, and go play at Cake Poker instead.

Credit where it’s due: Poker Affiliate Bible (he has a full timeline and everything)